What Helps When It’s Too Much
I’m a native Houstonian, and like many of you, I’ve known hundreds of people who have gone to Camp Mystic – grandmothers, mothers, and daughters who share the legacy of making friends for life and saying, “Going to camp is the highlight of my year.”
Camp is wholesome, carefree, innocent, and fun – a time where girls taste a little bit of freedom and can be their silly, authentic selves.
I love camp and have taken thousands of kids to camp when I was on staff with Young Life. Camp is a little slice of “heaven” where you can escape the big, bad world.
Which is why the darkness, devastation, and desolation on July 4th left us stunned, traumatized, and shaken to our core.
And like all of you, I’ve been gutted seeing the pictures of all those beautiful girls whose lives have been cut short. I found myself watching more and more videos (doomscrolling), hoping that somehow that would make things better. And of course, the anguish just multiplied.
Most of my clients this week knew someone who had died in the Texas floods. I told one mom that I felt shut down, and she said, “Oh, that’s exactly how I feel. Is that normal?”
Yes, it is.
We have been traumatized – not just Texas, but all the natural disasters all over the world. But this Central Texas flood and Camp Mystic literally hit close to my world and my home.
When an event is “too much, too soon, or too fast,” it overwhelms the nervous system, making it hard for an individual to cope, process it, and resolve it.
And so, we shut down.
And if you feel isolated in the “too much,” it just intensifies the trauma.
We are all feeling the trauma.
Here’s what’s normal: Any mom who is on Facebook or Instagram who looks at a smiling picture of an eight-year-old girl who is missing (or worse) can easily project their own daughter into the picture. We imagine and feel what that mom feels who lost her daughter. We imagine what that daughter would have felt in the middle of the night. We imagine what the families would feel, what their friends would feel.
We feel the trauma because we are all connected.
Even if you didn’t lose a loved one personally, we feel all the sorrow of all those stories – all those images – until we just can’t. It’s too much!
What will help?
1. Make time to catch up with your soul
When situations are “too soon or too fast,” you need time to process them. A natural reaction (but not a helpful one) is to get busy or numb out so you don’t have to think about it or feel it.
You can’t push this down. It will come flying out of you like a beach ball pushed under the surface of the water.
You need some time by yourself in a quiet place–a time to let the feelings come up. Time to name your thoughts. If your thoughts are spinning, I find it helpful to journal.
You want to honor your feelings.
Once you catch up with your soul – if you are a person of faith – I find it helpful to let God in and deal with your own heart first. Throw out your big questions to God. You can get angry. You can feel despondent. I believe God is compassionate. But lean into your faith instead of leaning away.
2. Coming together helps
This week in my private practice, I listened to high school girls, college girls, and moms tell their stories about how the recent flood in Texas had impacted them. Many of them knew a counselor or a child who had died. Coming together doesn’t take away this harsh reality, but it does soften it. Just telling our stories and being heard with compassionate ears helps.
I went to the YMCA today, and there was an American flag at half-mast – but also a Texas flag. My eyes teared up, knowing I had the solidarity with my community. We are all feeling the sorrow. Somehow, that shared commonality makes it a tiny bit better.
3. Let some beauty in
If you have been scrolling nonstop on Instagram or Facebook, I would highly recommend taking a break and getting off social media. It’s too much!
Look for evidence of good in the world. It is all around you – from the flowers in your backyard to a smile on a child’s face.
Have dinner with friends. Get out in nature and watch the sunset or sunrise. Go to a concert. Watch upbeat movies. Get involved in a household project. Change scenery and take a road trip. Go into your backyard with your coffee and listen to the birds.
Taking in beauty can soften the trauma.
4. Be kind to those nearest to you
Tragedies have a way of putting everything into perspective. Those moms who lost their daughters would do anything to have them back for even one day, one hour, or even one minute. They would welcome a temper tantrum, towels on the floor, and a messy room just to have one more opportunity to spend time with them–for one more opportunity to hold them close.
Instead of feeling guilty that your child is alive, take this opportunity to show them that you love them. Tell your son or daughter what you appreciate about them. Put your monitoring and agenda on the shelf for even 30 minutes and just hang out with them. Instead of pushing them, enjoy them. Let the small things go. Slow down and be present, and see what a precious gift it is to still have them under your roof.
5. Do something practical
This is what moms do best. Give money. Give time. Invite some people over. Send food. In these situations, it can feel like there is nothing we can do. But I believe little acts of kindness make a big difference. I went to CVS, and I had a very kind pharmacist who went out of her way to help me. When I was leaving the store, my eyes teared up because I really needed some kindness.
When we are slammed with harshness, a kind word goes a long way. Every little act of kindness softens the brutality of a tragedy.
And one last thing. Give lots of hugs. It will help.