Girls Just Want to Have Fun
The easiest way to connect with your daughter is by sharing a positive experience, where you both enjoy each other. Sharing a frivolous fun experience, even if it’s playing with your dog for 30 minutes, is just plain healthy.
Fun is not optional. It benefits you emotionally, builds a strong connection, decreases stress and is good for your physiology. When you enjoy your life, your body creates more of the happy body chemical serotonin. When you are stressed, your body produces more cortisol which decreases your happy body chemicals.
Moms use the excuse that they are too busy to have fun. We put fun at the bottom of the priority list. It feels extravagant, but it is essential.
Here is what I am up to. I want you to build positive experiences with your daughter. Stressful times are going to happen, but you need the positive experiences with your daughter to buffer the hard times. You want your daughter to remember the times you laid on the sofa watching a movie together, or enjoyed a nice lunch.
Create positive associations with your daughter so she doesn’t solely associate you with the wicked witch of the west. YOU need positive associations with your daughter too. Positive associations help you with your “like” factor.
Your daughter can teach you how to have fun
There’s a lot of truth in the song, “Girls just want to have fun.” Fun is on the top of her priority list. Let your daughter teach you how to have fun and laugh again. If the word ‘fun,’ seems too big of a reach, then substitute the word ‘enjoy.’
Your daughter knows the point of life is to enjoy it. She is offering you a huge gift if you will receive it. You can enjoy your life and enjoy your daughter. My daughter reminds me that life is a gift to be enjoyed. I watch her rise from the ashes of teenage drama and create fun from the simplest things in life, like playing with her new puppy Pumpkin.
“My daughter doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
Your daughter is going to want to spend more time with her friends and this is normal, but she can still spend time with your every day even if it’s only 30 minutes.
The main reason your daughter avoids you is that she feels you are always on her back, telling her to do homework, clean her room and come home by curfew. It’s not healthy for your relationship to be the 24 hour monitor. Try having some fun with her.
Six Guidelines for Fun
1. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. Of course she would love that. There are many simple things you can do to create a positive experience. You can watch a DVD, have a nice lunch, get your nails done, and (of course) shop. If you are going to shop, decide how much money and time you are going to spend up front. If you don’t, you are setting yourself up for a big drama fest.
2. Agree on the activity beforehand. What may be fun for you may not be fun for her. You want to go to the movies but that would be too embarrassing for her because her friends would be there. Let her take the lead. Ask her what she would like to do. Give her some prompts like “where would you want to go to lunch?”
3. Your agenda is to enjoy your time together. This is a time to relax, not the time to bring up an issue, give advice, or pry.
4. Make it a win. Begin with something simple. Take her to lunch. Better to spend one hour having a positive experience than having an all day stress fest. You probably want to avoid bathing suit shopping.
5. Be clear. Tell your daughter you want to hang out with her and you have no hidden agendas. If your relationship has had a lot of conflict, it might take some time before she believes you. You are establishing a new pattern with your daughter.