“Mom, can I go to the party?”
Your daughter is going to push you. Just when you feel you have worked through one issue another one rolls in. This is where it is super important that you are crystal clear about your decisions, boundaries and guidelines for your daughter.
Your clarity is so important. You can’t parent effectively without it.
Here’s the problem.
You have a lot going on. You have to keep track of the house, your kids, work, your spouse, friends, your volunteer work, meals and schedules. With so much going on you can be productive on many levels but not clear.
One huge reason for that is you don’t have time to check in with yourself. You’re too busy to stop and think through things. And frankly, it feels like too much work.
When you combine a busy life with no downtime you can find yourself in a Mother Fog.
Mothers experience a certain kind of fog. I call this Mother Fog. You start out the day, and everything seems clear but somewhere in the day you get lost in a blanket of fog. When the fog hits you can’t see or think clearly. It’s like this dense soupy fog has settled over your brain. Your thoughts, feelings, decisions and actions seem foggy. You lose yourself in this fog. Life loses its color and vibrancy. Lost in Mother Fog, it’s hard to find your way out.
Mother Fog and Teenage Daughter
Here’s what happens when Mother Fog meets teenage daughter.
Your daughter is clear about…
- What she wants to do.
- The kind of clothes she wants.
- Her weekend plans with her friends.
- Staying up or being out as late as she wants.
- What she wants to buy.
Your daughter is foggy when her assignments are due or what her test is over. She will act like she is not clear about your rules or chores, but she is clear about what she wants. When you are in Mother Fog and your daughter knows what she wants, she has the upper hand. Clarity trumps fog every time.
When you are in Mother Fog your daughter will…
- Push you. “Mom, please let me go to the party. I will do the dishes.”
- Have a drama fit. She will slam doors. Follow you around the house and badger you to let her go. She can yell and scream for days.
- Prosecute you. “Give me one good reason why I can’t go to the party.”
- Tell you “you’re the only one.” “Mom everyone is going to the party but me. You are the only parent who won’t let me go. Even dad thinks its fine.”
- Manipulate you to feel sorry for her. “No one likes me but Beth. Please can I go to the party with Beth? If I don’t go then Beth won’t be my friend and I won’t have any friends. Mom, if you cared about me you’d let me go.”
- Shame and belittle you. “Mom you’re such a loser. Just because you don’t have a social life doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t.”
- Threaten you. “If you don’t let me go to the party, then fine, I won’t go to school and fail out. I don’t care.”
- Punishing you. She does her best to make your life miserable by having drama fits, ignoring you or being passive aggressive.
Mother Fog sets you up for drama with your daughter. A big reason for this is you lose your power when you are uncertain and foggy. Your daughter knows you aren’t clear and that’s why she uses all these tactics, because they work. Her clarity beats your fog any day. On the other hand, clarity empowers you and eliminates a boatload of senseless drama.
How You End Up in Mother Fog
Mother Fog comes from not being clear. There are many reasons for this. You can’t be clear when you are crazy busy and don’t have a second to yourself. You can’t be clear when you are upset, angry, afraid, sad, hopeless or in Mother Shame.
Take an hour this week and evaluate where you are with your daughter. Ask yourself these questions.
- Where am I foggy?
- What’s bothering me?
- What needs to change?
- Am I spending quality time with my daughter?
After working with thousands of moms, I know ‘getting clear’ can be hard at first. You have no idea what the right thing to do is. You question your decisions. You don’t know what to do in a specific situation. Don’t hesitate to get help. Talk to a trusted friend.
If you need help, I’d love to support you. I’ll help you sort things out and walk you through it. You don’t have to do it alone. Contact me and we can schedule a time to talk. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or call at 713 408-6112.