The Beauty and Pitfalls of Pleasing
One of the most beautiful gifts innate to moms is the ability to please. We love our kids and want to see them happy. This desire to please is why we throw unforgettable birthday parties and go to great lengths to make our children feel special. I remember when my daughter was turning six or seven, I threw her a princess birthday party. All the girls in her class dressed up in princess dresses, and we had a grand celebration. I even wore an over-the-top bridesmaid dress that I thought I’d never wear again. The joy on my daughter’s face was priceless, and seeing her so pleased was a mission accomplished for me.
Nothing thrills a mom’s heart more than seeing her child’s face light up, hearing their delighted screams when they open a gift, or receiving a big hug of gratitude. We live for these moments. But often, we have an expectation around our giving and pleasing. We hope for what I call “The Great Exchange” – if we give, they need to receive with great joy and thanksgiving. If we try to please them, they should be pleased, grateful, and happy. However, this expectation can lead to disappointment.
When Pleasing Becomes a Trap
After the success of the princess’s birthday party, I expected my daughter to be in a great mood, be loving and helpful, and tell me how amazing I was. But that didn’t happen. Instead, she had a temper tantrum shortly after the party. My daughter felt like she had reached a new normal, being a princess for the day, and now she expected to be treated like a princess all the time. Because I was expecting the Great Exchange and got the opposite, I had a grown-up meltdown. I was angry because my daughter had unknowingly broken the “contract” of the Great Exchange. I had done my part, but she hadn’t done hers.
Moms have a tenacity to keep wanting to please even when the Great Exchange has been violated. This drive to please can become a trap, leading us to become “pleasers.” A pleaser is someone who seeks to satisfy others at the expense of their own needs and desires. Pleasers prioritize the happiness and approval of others, often neglecting their well-being. This can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and a feeling of being taken for granted.
Beliefs Driving the Pleaser Mentality
Several beliefs can drive us to become pleasers:
1. I want my kids to have what I didn’t have. If you didn’t have a lot growing up, you might want to ensure your kids have everything you missed out on. This could include clothes, experiences, and opportunities.
2. I feel bad for my kids or feel guilty. Guilt can drive you to overcompensate, especially if your children have experienced hardships, such as a divorce. You may feel pressured to make up for any deficits by giving them everything they want.
3. I don’t want them to be angry. If you’re afraid of your child’s anger or negative emotions, you might try to avoid conflict by constantly pleasing them.
4. It’s selfish to pay attention to me. This belief comes from societal messages that suggest good moms should always put their kids first, leading to self-neglect and burnout.
Negative Impacts of Being a Pleaser
Being a pleaser negatively impacts you, your parenting, and your teen. When you’re a pleaser, you fall into the trap of being a “mother machine,” constantly doing for your family while neglecting yourself. This leads to feelings of exhaustion, resentment, and being taken for granted. You feel disempowered as a parent because your teens end up having all the control. They might take you for granted, knowing you’ll always give in to their demands. This disempowerment makes it hard to set boundaries, say no, or enforce consequences, leading to inconsistent parenting.
Your teens also suffer from having a pleaser parent. They can become entitled, expecting everything to be done for them without effort. They might struggle to develop autonomy and resilience, as they’re used to having their needs and wants instantly met. Additionally, the pressure to please can create an unhealthy dynamic where they feel indebted to you, leading to guilt and resentment.
Breaking Free from the Pleaser Trap
The good news is that you can break free from the pleaser trap and create a more balanced, empowered approach to parenting. Here are some steps to help you regain control:
1. Turn your attention to yourself. Start by paying attention to your emotions and needs. Write down your feelings, notice where you feel tension in your body, and identify what you need to feel better.
2. Give yourself permission to prioritize yourself. Schedule time for activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. This could be anything from playing a sport to having lunch with a friend.
3. Set clear boundaries and enforce them. Identify where your teens push your boundaries and decide on clear rules and consequences. Communicate these to your teens and follow through consistently.
4. Practice saying no. Start small by saying no to minor requests and build up your confidence. This will help you set limits and regain control of your parent-child relationship.
5. Seek support. Find a trusted confidant, such as a friend, sister, or coach, who can help you navigate the challenges of parenting and provide encouragement.
Conclusion
Being a parenting pleaser is a common trap that many moms fall into, but it’s possible to break free and create a healthier, more balanced approach to parenting. By recognizing and reclaiming balance, setting boundaries, and prioritizing your own needs, you can empower yourself and foster a more positive dynamic with your teens. Remember, it’s okay to say no, and you are still a good mom even if your teens don’t always see it. Take small steps to turn things around, and you’ll find that everyone benefits in the long run.