‘You Need to Respect Me’
“R*E*S*P*E*C*T Find out what it means to me.”
Sing it Aretha! This is the theme song for moms of teenage daughters.
You want your daughter to respect you. Right?
Here’s how.
- You want your daughter to think highly of you.
- You want her to listen to your words of wisdom.
- You want her to see things from your perspective
- You want her to trust you and do what you say.
- You want her to appreciate all the time you give and the things you do for her
- You want her to be grateful for the vacation, the new clothes and all the opportunities that she experiences
- You want her to be deeply thankful for all the ways you sacrifice for her
You want her to do this 24/7. Of course you do. So do I, but it’s not going to happen.
She is going to do something to “disrespect” you.
The mouth
The #1 way girls disrespect us is through their impulsive mouth. You know what I mean. You can’t believe what she just said. You would have never said that to your mother.
Here’s what throws you off. You are in La La land because you are thinking, “She is going to think I am wonderful because I just bought her a new car, taken her on a cruise, and redone her room.” But she says, “Mom you don’t do anything for me. You don’t care about me.” It’s maddening.
Disobeying you
Maybe she doesn’t mouth off to you. She may be nice and polite but then you found out she completely lied to you. She looked you straight in the face and looked so sincere. You thought you could trust her. You can’t believe she used such poor judgment. How could she be so stupid?
Her room, the dishes and the bathroom
She should know how hard you work. You like a beautiful home. You have told her to keep her room clean. You have told her how to hang up the towels. You told her to not leave the dishes in the sink and put her dishes in the dishwasher. You have told her this a million times. She tells you, “I know mom!!!” But she doesn’t do anything. Sometimes Miss Mouth shows up and gives you some more attitude.
It is so hard to have your daughter disrespect you in these ways. It’s so easy to lose it.
But here is the trap mothers fall into.
You try to force your daughter to respect you by
- Losing your temper
- Talking louder than her
- Talking over her
- Talking longer than her
- Threatening her
- Withholding from her
- Shaming her
- Guilting her.
- Throwing things
- Pushing her
You get the picture.
It is so easy to use force when your daughter disrespects you. You don’t want her talking down to you. You act desperate because it feels like you are losing control and your power. Because of this it feels natural and needed to put her in her place. You want to reestablish you’re up here and she is down there.
But force doesn’t work. You are not teaching her anything except how to use force.
You lose control when you scream, yell, or talk loudly, which results in her losing respect in you. You lose respect in yourself if you are honest.
The most damaging aspect of using force is that you lose her heart.
Here is what healthy respect looks like
1. You respect yourself.
Be the person that you can respect. You can respect yourself even if she is not respectful. You don’t need to be dependent on her for your respect.
2. Don’t take it personal
It really is not about you. It’s about her. She is a hormonal teenager with an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. She wants her way. Teenage girls through-out time have not wanted to clean their rooms.
3. Your power is in–
Self control
You decide ahead of time how you are going to be. This is very different from reacting. “Even if she loses her temper I will remain calm.” This might mean you have to walk into another room or walk around the block to calm down.
Your clarity
Often it is good to have some time to get clear especially if your daughter has been rude to you. You need to let the initial shock wear off and decide what you want to do about it. Get clear about the consequences. A ‘mother lecture’ is not a consequence. All they hear is you are yelling or being harsh. When you lose control you have lost your message and your power.
The consistent consequences
Here’s how it works. Let’s say your daughter has lied to you and yelled, “You are the f—-ing worst mother.’ You walk away and you sort through your feelings. You remember it’s not personal. Now it’s about her. She has lied to you, cursed and yelled at you. You decide what the consequence is. You decide that she is grounded for the weekend and has lost her phone. You email her and let her know that she crossed the line and this is the consequence.
4. You model who you want her to be
Your daughter is watching you live your life. You are the message. Take care of yourself. Enjoy your life. Challenge yourself to learn something new. Live your faith. Be loving and compassionate in your relationships. This is how you will earn respect from your daughter.