“You are a Great Mom”
“I want you to know I am proud of you and you are a Great Mom.”
Wouldn’t it be great if someone told you that every day? How would you feel if you really believed it?
“You are a great mom!”
It feels good doesn’t it?
I have listened to moms for over 20 years and I have never heard a mom say, “I am a great mom and I am really proud of myself.”
I hear Moms say, “no one appreciates me or all I do for my family.”
Your husband or kids may answer back, “Yes I do,” but you don’t believe them because they have no idea how much you do. And for sure they don’t know what’s in your heart, and how much you worry and pray for your kids.
But if a friend says, “You are a great mom,” what do you do with that? Can you receive the compliment and believe it. Most mothers slough it off when it is given. You think, “She has no idea”.
Why is that?
I don’t think you appreciate yourself and all you do.
I think it is because of Mother Shame. Deep down you think you’re not doing a good job. Being a mother is hard. It’s easy to doubt your decisions around parenting. And you have an unrealistic job description placed on you by the culture.
Mother’s are supposed to be perfect. Right?
We are supposed to have perfect children, perfect house, perfect spouse, and have a perfect body.
Perfect is not happening! You can’t be perfect in all these areas at the same time. Believe me we all try. You wear yourself out running here and there, morning to night and at the end of the day you are convinced you are the biggest loser. And not in the good (Biggest Losers TV show) way.
Of course you have Mother Shame when you think you are supposed to be the perfect mom.
The message “A great mom is a perfect mom” you inherited from the culture. I call this a Powerless Parenting Message. Because when you believe this you feel powerless and are totally set up to feel like a failure.
You may have had a good day with your daughter, your house is clean, but if you’ve gained 2 pounds your whole day is ruined.
This message robs you of ever celebrating what you do accomplish. Having a good day with your daughter and a partially clean house is worth celebrating.
Now this gets amplified if you have a hot headed adolescent daughter who is not getting her way. Your daughter is skilled with psychological weapons and knows how to shoot her arrow into your vulnerability.
She speaks out your worst fear. “You are a terrible mother.”
This can knock the wind out of you. You feel like you’re the witch in the wizard of oz. Your daughter has just thrown a bucket of water on you and all you can say is, “I’m melting”.
Your power and confidence will melt when you believe her words. Combine this with wanting to be the perfect mother, and you will shrink and disappear into the black hole of Mother Shame.
The truth is you are usually doing your job when those comments fly at you. My guess is you just told your daughter, “No, you can’t stay out till 2am.” “No, you can’t spend the night at your boyfriend’s house.” “No, you can’t get a tattoo of your boyfriend’s name on your chest.”
You are doing a great job when you set a boundary with your daughter. Just know when your daughter says “You are a terrible mother,” it really means “I am angry at you because you are not giving me what I want”.
A Great Mom does not equal a perfect mom.
A Great Mom does not equal pleasing everyone at all times.
We need a new definition of a Great Mom.
A Great Mom…
1. Accepts her imperfections.
- Knows the goal is not to be perfect.
- Is kind to herself and therefore can be kind to others.
- Is self aware and knows where she has crossed the line.
- Admits her mistakes and says she is sorry.
- Doesn’t give up and wants to grow.
2. Strives to do her best.
- Focuses on learning from her mistakes.
- Wants to improve herself and her parenting.
- Willing to change when things aren’t working
- Is teachable and open to learning new approaches.
- Keeps trying and starts again.
3. Knows her limitations and receives help.
- Knows she needs to take care of herself which means getting enough physical and emotional rest.
- Takes time to enjoy her life and her daughter.
- Knows there is way too much and she needs help.
- Receives help and builds a team of support around her and her daughter.
- Leans on God and prayer for help
4. Accepts her kids imperfections
- Knows the goal for her kids is not perfection but healthy striving.
- Has hope for her kids and encourages them.
- Knows they can learn from their mistakes and take responsibility and develop empathy.
- Shows her kids by example how to strive for the best and learn from your mistakes.
5. Remembers the important things
- Loves her kids and remembers they are a gift.
- Remembers it’s not going to be perfect 24/7.
- Aware of opportunities to hang out and enjoy her kids.
- Teaches them compassion and forgiveness.
- Sets boundaries and give consequences without shame.
- Sees the God given potential in her children
Believe this new definition.
You are a Great Mom!